You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
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Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows