[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
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Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.