I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Well, shit
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.