ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
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You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
taking June’s advice to heart
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
#growingpains
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂