[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
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I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me