Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
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Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today