*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
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Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.