“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
You Might Also Like
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that