*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
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my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Thoughts
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”