If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
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Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
how was your vacation
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]