Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
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impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Finally!
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.