Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
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Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
These 3D printers are insane!
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.