Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Lmao 🤣
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.