Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
brian had himself a morning…
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler