There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*