My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Sell your car
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
You sure about that?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge