My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
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I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
How your email finds me
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Cardio Made Easy
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver