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I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me