The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
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Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.