First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
You Might Also Like
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
This tweet has been deleted
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
It鈥檚 really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 馃
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Oh, I鈥檒l take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.