We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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ready to be harvested
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.