My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
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villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.