My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
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All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…