My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
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My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.