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[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.