Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
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Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Just got to our Airbnb!
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts