Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
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REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?