The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
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Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.