my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Birds & Planes.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭