[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
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my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed