a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
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My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?