When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
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Need tips on making something look like an accident.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
What a website
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot