Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
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girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more