*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
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what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt