I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
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Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit