If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
👾👾👾
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride