AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
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me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them