Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
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Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I told my vodka about you.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.