FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
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Unexpected Judgment
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.