My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
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me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.