Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
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What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clich茅s.
We brought home a betta fish, and I鈥檝e officially spent more time deciding it鈥檚 name than I did naming the kids
Naw, I don鈥檛 have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I鈥檝e not painted any chapels at all.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
My wife gives the best headache.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
This salad tastes like I鈥檒l be eating spaghetti at midnight. 馃槖
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
馃攰
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he鈥檚 dead to me*
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
For the ones in the back.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother鈥檚 Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I鈥檓 so blessed.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it鈥檚 time to shave for summer.