Mike Tyson’s apartment building
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me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
oh shit
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Thursday
Trying
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn