My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk