[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
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My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!