I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
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I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
cats when you pet them too long:
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout