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I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*