*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
You Might Also Like
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.