Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
me and the Superbowl rn
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?