11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
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ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A