Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
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My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
philosophical skeletons be like
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.